Ready for Our Close-Up?

It’s amazing to me how infrequently bars and bartenders are used as fodder for storylines in pop culture. If there’s an industry more ripe for dramatic tension, then I’m at a loss to name it. Every bar I’ve ever worked is its own little version of Melrose Place, plus you’ve got an endless supply of tragicomic characters, all jacked up on truth serum just by the nature of the context. And yet we’ve only had that one TV show, where everybody apparently knows your name. We have that one movie too, of course, which I will not discuss here because it has rendered every bartender in the entire world incapable of so much as tossing a piece of glassware from one hand to the other without 5 people in the room yelling either the name of said movie or the lead actor from it at you simultaneously, and the resentment bred from hearing it every day since 1988 is of the sort that axe murderers and parking enforcement officers evolve from. Ahem.

So who are our role models? 98% of the time that you see a bartender in a movie or a TV show they are lurking in the background polishing a glass. Always with the glass polishing, the ‘default bartender action’. Hollywood has turned us into a profession of Glasswipes. So the few times the camera blesses one of us with a few seconds of its precious gaze, it really sticks. Here’s the prominent ones from my past, and what they taught me:

Woody Boyd (Woody Harrelson – Cheers)

Probably my biggest influence. Woody taught me that the key to bartending is endless patience and treating everyone with the same amount of respect, regardless of your actual feelings. Even if they’re your evil French bartender nemesis who is trying to steal your girlfriend.

And even though all we ever saw him pour was flat draught beer, Woody knew every drink ever invented…

Sam’s old baseball rival Dutch Kincaid: I’m looking for a yellow-bellied, runny-nosed has-been.

Woody: Hmm, I can’t make one of those – I’m out of cassis.

Best. Bartender line. Ever.

Isaac Washington (Ted Lange – The Love Boat)

Service with a smile and a flourish, baby. Also, towering garnishes and umbrellas are permissible in boat drinks and boat drinks only.

Short Bartender (Cheech Marin - Desperado)

Five words: The Bartender never gets killed.

Also, really listen to customer complaints before reacting…

Sascha (Leonid Kinskey – Casablanca)

The head barman of Rick’s Cafe, easily the coolest night club in the history of Hollywood, Sascha knew that it was all about the ladies, even if that meant personally making sure they got home safe after overindulging. Leonid Kinskey also outlived ever other Casablanca cast member, lending some credence to Cheech’s previous edict.

Moe Szyslak (Hank Azaria – The Simpsons)

There is infinite wisdom to be gained by studying the perfect opposite of how things should be done. Thus the pristine perfection of the prior pugilist progressively pegged Kid Gorgeous, Kid Presentable, Kid Gruesome and finally, Kid Moe.

Also, take good care of your serious regulars…

Moe: Homer, you ain’t welcome here no more. Barney, show him the exit.

Barney: There’s an exit?

Lloyd the Bartender (Joe Turkel – The Shining)

Lloyd represents the ultimate archetype of the trade; an unflappable, all-knowing professional who is there exactly when you need him, and gives you exactly what you want. His stoicism has been an image that I’ve long kept as a high-water mark (and rarely lived up to it). I’m not sure what it says that he was manifested by the feverish mind of a madman.

Still one of the great scenes of the history of cinema.

Any other influential innkeepers from the annals of history that I’ve missed?

To your health…

Simon Ogden | Urban Diner