If you followed the Kids Candy Halloween Code, you should now have mounds of sugary crap in your home.
In past generations parents worried about razor blades in apples, now we fixate on how much Chinese melamine is in a pack of Twizzlers. For that reason alone it’s important to sample liberally after they’re in bed. In an effort to make sampling fruitful, here’s a quick guide to the prime pickings in the kids bag.
“Fun Size” Reese Peanut Butter Cups – Pure mouth crack. And if you’re completely unable to read French, the packet contains moules au beurre d’arachides, which in my grade nine French failing world equals mussels with spider butter, that’s hard core. And delicious. Liquor equivalent – Lagavulin Islay Scotch.
Sour Skittles – Now with apples and watermelon! Suck it lame old lemon and cherry. What happens if you take a Jelly Belly and add the delicious crunchy shell from an M&M? Skittles, that’s what. Now take these little nuggets of fruity goodness and coat them with sour powder and candy nirvana is achieved. If God had taken the time to make real fruit taste this good, we wouldn’t have a problem with childhood obesity today. Jamie Oliver would be out of work. Liquor equivalent – Black Hills Nota Bene. Fruity, but with gobs of power and grace underneath.
Doritos Nacho Cheese – Single serving. Who cares if they stain your fingers orange. Rick Bayless could roast chilies and chop tomatoes forever, nothing he could do would equal the delightful piquancy of these crunchy triangles. And good for someone thinking out of the box, shifting the paradigm and handing out savoury treats instead of just sugary. Liquor equivalent – A well made Caesar, with horseradish and a shot of beef bouillon in the mix.
Wagon Wheels – Old school post global financial meltdown treat. Yeah they seem kinda cheap, but in another couple years in this economy you’ll have knife fights in the street over these. Plus they’ve got a nice retro seventies tang to them. Liquor equivalent – Jack Daniels. Cheap doesn’t have to be bad.
Quaker Chewy Chocolate Chip Granola Bar – What the hell? Looks like raccoon scat and tastes like high fibre cereal that’s escaped the bag and has been dwelling in the bottom of the cereal box for the past six months. Nobody wants this crap. This is junk disinterested parents foist on their young to pretend they’re eating healthy. If I find out who on the block has been handing this out and I’m going to march over there and give it back. Liquor equivalent – Labatt Wild Cat Strong Beer. Makes you hate your life and possibly beat your wife.
Famous Amos Cookies Single Serve Bag – Whoa, the last time I enjoyed a treat this classy was on a short haul commuter airline in the states. The Keebler Elves can kiss my ass, these are some good cookies. Liquor equivalent – Johnnie Walker Black in the 50 ml. single serve airline bottle.
Twix – Hungry man size. Pay-dirt. Full sized gooey cookie goodness handed out by the old couple with no grand kids. Brilliant. It’s got chocolate, it’s got caramel, it’s got cookie; It’s a triple threat. It’s the Roberto Alomar of candy. Liquor equivalent – Lafite. Getting a full sized Twix is akin to discovering your dad had the foresight to lay down a case of Lafite from your birth year – In magnums.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Laughed out loud at your Reese’s description. We’ve called pb spider butter for years :->
Keith, you rock. I agree with every one of your drink equivalents, especially Wagon Wheels = JD. Suddenly my own personal evolution from child to adult is thrust into perfect focus.
I’m a Rockets man myself….drink equivalent: a Dr Loosen Riesling?